Thanks to Poppy and Geoff Spencer, Certified Relational Coaches, for offering their expert advice to the A Fancy Girl Must audience (and my own daughters) on getting emotionally ready for school. 

Back-to-school shopping stirs up thoughts of colored binders and notebooks, newly sharpened pencils, pristine crayons where the wax still smells fresh, and a snazzy pencil case. Your child’s school supplies are set, right down to this year’s new lunch box featuring your child’s favorite hero/heroine or archetype. Before you zip up that backpack, consider adding this list of must-have emotional tools to her backpack.

• Sense of Security: In our world today, we witness things we should never witness: real time violence played out 24/7 in the media, an alligator that killed a child, a gorilla that seized a young boy. While we are panicked and hug our children closer, whispering, “Thank God, not me,” we also need to project a sense of safety and security to our little ones—not project our fears onto them. Our kids will follow our lead. Don’t share all the bad stuff. Do make them aware of who they can count on at school and while away from home.

• Self-reliance: If your young girl is entering school for a full day, it might be a difficult change for some of us not to know what exactly is going on every moment. Encourage, through role play, to problem-solve her life situations before they arise. Your daughter comes home in tears and laments that her bff skipped in front of her at gymnastics and began to exclude her. Your jaw tightens and your knee-jerk response is to have a talk with the girl’s mother. Instead, speak with your child first. Acknowledge that your daughter’s feelings of being slighted are valid. Ask her what words she might use to communicate to her friend that her feelings have been hurt. Simulate the convo—you play the friend. Let your daughter practice with you. If your daughter is afraid to say something, direct the talk to what she likes about her friend. If it’s sheer popularity—the age old dynamic, no matter the age—the teachable moment is to have a discussion about the qualities that make someone popular vs. what a bff really should be. Empower her with a variety of age-appropriate communication tools to depend on herself to resolve social conflicts.

• Courage: The Cowardly Lion always had it. Your kids have it too. They just need to summon it. Tuck that figurative medal in the backpack, behind the flashcards…some sort of talisman to call up the strength needed to remind them that they have had the bravery needed all along to deal with whatever comes their way. Whether your child is afraid to answer a question—unsure of the correct answer, or embarrassed by her current level in reading, keep reinforcing she is doing her best. Comparison is part of life, and you can teach your child to manage it. We used to tell our kids before any test: “You have everything you need.” Reaffirm that confidence in them. They may not ace the spelling test, but they can outrun most of the flying pony tails on the soccer field. Or vice versa. Find some symbol or token to drop into the backpack, and embrace your child’s strengths to remind her of those ruby slippers to which we all have access.

• Resilience: One of the most essential tools in the Emotional Backpack that will remain with your child throughout her life. When your child experiences conflict, work with her to understand the root of it. We call this resiliency training—an essential part of anyone’s education. If there is a bully at school, cliquey girls whispering in exclusivity, yes, communicate to the school. Teachers and school admins are particularly vigilant about stopping bullying in its tracks. And also explain to your child the differences between conflict and bullying. It’s okay to disagree; not okay to tolerate repetitive behaviors that insult or intimidate.

• Empathy: The younger they start to practice it, the better. When our younger daughter’s third grade friend was diagnosed with leukemia, many of the girls cut their hair and donated it to Locks of Love; the boys shaved their heads in chemo-solidarity. When a family friend lost their 4-year-old a month ago in a tragic accident, the neighborhood kids all rallied to support the family with proceeds from a lemonade stand, a garage sale; and gave their favorite hardly-used and sometimes brand new toys and even an American Girl doll to the remaining siblings. What we found especially powerful, was that the children—ages 5-8—came up with this on their own. All of us can never have too much empathy. Reinforce it at every opportunity.

In between soft cover books, neatly folded paper fortune tellers, and parent-signed homework sheets in your child’s backpack, nestle in some emotional essentials—they are far more important than the physical stuff. Even more than the extra beaded bracelet she grabbed at the last minute. Just in case.

And at least twice a week, (if not each day) tuck a note from you in the pocket. With a heart and a kiss on it, of course.

~

About Poppy & Geoff Spencer

After receiving her Master of Science degree in Art Therapy and working as a Registered Art Therapist for twelve years, Poppy Spencer transitioned her private Art Therapy practice into coaching. A Parenting Coach, a psychology professor at Ringling College of Art and Design for seven years, a certified Myers Briggs facilitator, and a Certified Professional Coach for nearly a decade, she continues to implement psychology into her coaching relationships.

Geoff Spencer is a certified coach having transitioned from a twenty-five-year career in sales and marketing where he specialized in technology deployed in higher education institutions. He is also a speaker, singer, and performer, having spoken in many professional venues, sung in churches and theaters, and performed in multiple community theater productions.

The Spencers live in Sarasota, Florida, and can be found online at relationalcoaches.com. They’ve just published their first book, 1 Billion Seconds, a fictional memoir, found on Amazon: 1 Billion Seconds on Amazon